Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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