If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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