If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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