if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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