I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.