WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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