I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
