I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.