remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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