I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
