Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
