So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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