I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
