Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
