I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
