i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
