I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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