Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
