first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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