I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
