Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I want her autograph on my taint
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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