For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
