After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
