Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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