dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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