Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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