My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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