I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
