you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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