I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
