Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
