I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
