Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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