then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
