no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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