if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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