I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
