just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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