There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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