I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
