FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Edward fifth and chaser hands
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
