I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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