I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
