she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
