Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
