I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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