Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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