Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
