Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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