i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
