dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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