Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
