I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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