How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
