Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
