Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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