So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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