Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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