i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
