I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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