I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
