I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
