Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
