I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
