Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
