You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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