Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
