Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
