I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
