its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
