its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Im part way to drunk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
