summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
